when you settle down somewhere for a long time..it is hard to leave and say good bye .. this is as true in real life as in blogland..
I started to blog five years ago..
before that I was an avid reader of craft and garden blogs.. then I started my own blog.. I had to be about crafts.. but emotional and health problems interfered and I left it as it is and moved to another blog .. where I wrote about how I managed to stay sane in the middle of my problems .. how I tried to handle them.. accomodate myself .. I was fed up with crafts.. didn’t even touch nor look any single project..
my new blog was the same name .. in my language and on anouther bloh server.. I was writing about how I thought I should be for not being hurt.. than I became that woman..
I made lots of friend .. was a regular blog writer.. about life and small facts that we usually miss while living our daily routine..
It was a great cure.. I met some of my blog friends and became very good friends in real life.. they knew more about me than people I was living with.. than my real-real life friends.. I am still writing on that blog.. but the woman I created there is not a crafting kind of woman.. last year I have finally told them my whole story.. giving all the links I had.. a crafting blog .. a gardening one.. another craft blog in english.. many huh.. many pages of my life book..
but I have finally understood one thing in life..
if people you love.. do things that will hurt you.. hurt you bad.. make you bleed your life out.. .. make you suffer..
you cannot react by changing yourself.. by killing the woman who you used to be.. and whom they thought to know..
you cannot handle problems by faking a personality..
you are who you are.. as they say in my country.. “character doesn’t expire before you expire”.. if you are hurt .. it is because the person who hurts you choose to hurt you.. deliberately..
so I am back to crafting again.. I see some high hopes in the eyes of people who have hurt me.. they might believe this is a “coming back” but no.. this is only my coming back to myself..
this is only my taking over of my space and time.. before I get rid .. finally and hopefully.. people who have hurt me.. who made me believe a domestic and warm and recycling and motherly woman is not desired as a person and woman..I knew that it was not “me” but “he” who is faulty.. but couldn’t stop being severe towards myself.. couldn’t stop living as though I didn’t care about how they affected me.. acting..
now I am starting all over again.. this time I don’t want to react as a bouncing ball.. this is giving them so much importance.. this is letting the reins of your life under their control..
I have to figure out.. what I want about my real life.. my real desires.. me myself.. so ı have taken out my crafting stock and my creativity out from the deep drawers I have kept them for some years.. I am happy that I did not throw them away definitly..
this blog will hopefully be a crafting-reasoning resume of mine.. I decided it to be in english.. because I have so many craft blogs I admire daily.. on my google reader list..
here we go again..